Terrible Twos, Toddlers tantrums, and Threenagers

First time parents are often warned about the terrible twos. Then they are completely confused when their two year old doesn't individuate. Then the child turns three and the parents are shocked by the behavior changes. No one told them about threenagers!

Developmentally, twos and threes are times when the child starts to individuate. The child wants to start exploring everything "by myself". Toddler tantrums can feel unpredictable and overwhelming for the parents. Now, imagine how they feel for your child.

I have two essential methods to thriving during these toddler growth periods. The first method is called the stoplight method. The second method doesn't have a catchy name but rather more of a description. It's positive action phrasing instead of negative.

Let's talk about the stoplight method first. This method can also be described as green, yellow, red. It's starting to make more sense now, isn't it. Begin with green and create an idea of all the behaviors that are welcome. All the "green means go" behaviors. Some examples include sitting down while eating, brushing teeth, and drinking water. With these examples in mind, let's move onto yellow. 

Yellow is your "sometimes/maybe" category. Using our green light behavior examples, let's focus first on sitting down while eating. Sometimes you might be willing to let your child eat while standing up instead of sitting down. The circumstances will dictate your tolerance level for this behavior change. At a family meal, you may expect the child to sit down for the first five minutes. After that, you may feel flexible and allow the child to stand up for the next five minutes before reminding them to sit down again.The focus will always be on safety. Standing on the floor, next to the chair and dining table would be allowed. Standing on top of the chair or on top of the table would not be allowed. The conversation could look something like this, "(Child's name) it's time to sit down for dinner now. Would you like to get into your chair by yourself or would you like (parent) to help you? We are going to sit to eat first. If you need a break and some time to get your wiggles out and move your body, then you can take a standing break." (As the parent observes the child getting more restless while sitting they would offer the following) "I'm noticing your body is ready for a standing break. Would you like to get out of the chair on your own, or would you like me to do it?" (Set a clear expectation that the standing break is meant to be had directly next to the table so that the child understands the meal is still in progress and it's not a chance to leave and play. (A designated standing break area could be created with washi tape, or if outdoors, chalk.) The parent should set a visual timer for the five minutes either on a phone, a stopwatch, or the time timer. Once the timer expires the conversation would continue). "(Child's name) the standing break is over now. Would you like to get back into your chair by yourself or would you like help?"

Brushing teeth is the green light behavior. The key here is accomplishing the green light behavior while maintaining flexibility on "how" it gets done. For example, sometimes you may feel flexible and allow your child to brush their teeth in bed instead of in the bathroom. Sometimes you might agree to let them brush teeth in the bathtub instead of at the sink. As always the focus should be on maintaining safety while using flexibility of method to accomplish the desired behavior.

With the example of drinking water, let's say water is always allowed where juice is reserved for special occasions. The parent can say to the child,  "you can always drink water (green light behavior). Juice is for (insert special occasion title here, i.e. birthday parties). Today is not a special occasion. (Child's name) would you like to drink your water from a cup, a cup with a straw, or a cup with a lid?" The key here is accomplishing the green light behavior while maintaining flexibility on "how" it gets done. The circumstances will dictate which method the parent will prefer. When an option is offered allow the child to choose between the acceptable options offered and be prepared to go along with their decision. Ultimately it was the parent's decision in which the child is participating. 

Moving on to red light. Make a list of all the non negotiable, safety protective, not allowed under any circumstances behaviors you can think of. Running into the street, running with scissors, climbing on the roof are all red light behaviors. The key to creating your list for red light is lack of flexibility. Red light is always stop! Red light behaviors are never allowed. Any time the child tries to engage in a red light behavior, the parent will always stop them. Sometimes that may require picking up the child against their wishes. The nuance comes in surrounding the conversation with the child. For example, "(Child's name) STOP! Red light! Running into the street is dangerous. It's my job to keep you safe. I will not let you run into the street. (If applicable, "That's why I picked up your body.") We will cross the street together. Would you like to hold my hand, hold my finger, hold my leg, or be carried?" 

With red light behaviors some times action is required. Always act first and have the conversation after. Safety is always the priority. 

Allowing the child to participate in chosing from the acceptable options even in this red light situation encourages the child to buy into the transaction. We want the child to feel some autonomy and we want to encourage them to individuate. We, the parents, will always have the job of keeping them safe so we decide what the acceptable options are.

The bottom line with the stoplight method is safety. It is an integral part of the process to allowing for flexibility in method while accomplishing the desired behaviors. Book a session for my conscious parenting playdates if you are looking for more guidance.

The second method for thriving focuses on positive action phrasing. Continuing with the theme of offering opportunities for the child to individuate, parents are encouraged to tell the child what they want them to do instead of what they don't want them to do. For example instead of stop splashing in the tub, parents would say keep the water inside of the tub. Instead of saying stop jumping on the couch, parents would say the couch is for sitting. If you want to jump, jump on the floor (or offer some other acceptable option, like the trampoline, if you have one).  For example instead of don't drive the truck on the wall, parents would say drive the truck on the floor. The bottom line with this method is focusing on soliciting the desired behaviors. As with the stoplight method there are opportunities for offering acceptable options for the child. Think of the desired behavior and then think of two acceptable options on how to accomplish the behavior. Be prepared to go along with the choice the child makes. It is definitely worth setting your expectations here that you will have to repeat yourself and remind the child more than once. Try to be patient and remember that they want to succeed. Ultimately they want to please you as well, they just want to feel some autonomy in the process.

Temper tantrums are developmentally appropriate up to a certain point/age. If you are noticing an intensity, or frequency of tantrums that is worrisome, please reach out for support. Parents know their children best and sometimes doubt themselves because of lack of experience. DON'T! Trust yourself and your instincts. If you sense something is not adding up, you are probably right. Personally, I sensed something was not adding up with my second born child. It wasn't until he was seven years old that he was officially diagnosed as neurodivergent. Once he was diagnosed, a whole new realm of support opportunities opened up. It was life changing. We went from struggling to survive to thriving. If you suspect your child might be neurodivergent and would like to have a neuropsychological assessment completed, I highly recommend Dr. Jayme Neiman-Kimel.

Thanks for taking the time to read this post.

With warmth, love, and kindness,

Raquel