How I honor my grief when I celebrate the life of my rainbow baby

For me, grief and life have gone hand in hand since I was seventeen and my sister died. Figuring out how to live my new life in grief took me about twenty two years to figure out.  In those years, I experienced so much life and I always wanted to honor my grief as well.  Getting married, having children and then experiencing a miscarriage were the most poignant combinations of grief mixed with life.  

Growing up I always said I wanted to get married young and have children young. I was going to have four kids. The first three would be boys and the fourth would be a girl.  I put that out there in the universe so many times I can't even count.  Wouldn't you know, it's what the universe delivered only it looks differently than I pictured growing up. I was blessed with two healthy boys.  My pregnancy with my third boy felt completely different from the first two. I was sick, extremely sick for weeks. I was so sick I was losing weight and becoming dehydrated to the level of needing IV fluids.  At our 12 week ultrasound we found out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. We were devastated. I experienced grief for the loss of our baby and experienced grieving my sister again in a different way than I ever had before.  I cried and cried and cried. Then, I wailed and wailed and wailed. Then, I cried some more. In a departure from my previous grief experience I found myself wanting to talk about it. So I talked about my grief to anyone and everyone that would listen.  In talking and being heard, I discovered how many other people had experienced miscarriage and loss in silence. I was shocked.  It had never occurred to me that other people bottled up their grief and shoved it down as I had. It never occurred to me that miscarriage was more common than I ever realized. That the common fact that miscarriage is normal and people suffer in silence was a turning point for me.  I started talking.  I started talking more about my grief of my sister. I started talking about my grief of our baby.  I started journaling. I started releasing grief held in all the cracks and crevices of every inch of my body. I started to heal.  Healing the grief of our baby helped me heal the grief of losing my sister. It was amazing to me to experience.

I got pregnant with our rainbow baby immediately after our miscarriage. It was unbelievable, literally.  My entire pregnancy was riddled with doubt, worry, and anxiety. Most shocking of all, we were told the baby was a girl. Again, unbelievable, literally. I didn't believe she was a girl until she was born and I saw it for myself. That's when I realized the universe had delivered on my custom order placed in my childhood. Sure, it looked and felt very different than I expected. Nevertheless, the universe delivered and I started to believe again.  I had doubt. I had extraordinary amounts of doubt over the years after my sister died and now my faith was restored.

Full of renewed faith, I chose to always celebrate life and honor my grief simultaneously. When my kids have a birthday that my sister isn't physically present for, I honor my grief by talking about her to them. When I accomplish something I've been working towards and my sister isn't physically present, I honor my grief by acknowledging that tumultuous feeling in my gut and my heart. When I sit down to dinner as a family of five instead of six, I honor my grief with faith that everything is as it should be.  My path in life is paved by my faith and willingness to surrender that all is as it should be.  So it is with a full heart I am truly able to celebrate life while honoring my grief.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

With warmth, love, and kindness,

Raquel.